April 9th, 2008
How to order a beer in 50 languages
Afrikaans—A beer, ah-suh-bleef!
American—Brewski here, please!
Arabic—Waheed beera, meen fadleek!
Basque—Garagardo bat, mesedez!
Belarusian—Ad-no pee-vah ka-lee lah-ska!
Bengali—Eka handoiya, doya koray!
Bulgarian—Edna beerra, molya!
Catalan—Una cervesa, si us plau!
Cheyenne—Nok hee-sevo-tamah-peh, mas-eh-met-ah-no!
Chinese—Ching gay woh ee bay pee joh!
Czech—Pee-vo, pro-seem!
Danish—Yay vil geh-neh heh en url!
Dutch—Un beer, ahls-yer-bleeft!
Egyptian (Ancient)—Wekha henqet!
Esperanto—Unu bieron, mi petas!
Estonian—Ooks ur-loo, pah-lun!
Finnish—O-loot moolek kee-tos!
French—Une bière, s’il vous plait!
German—Ein Bier, bitte!
Greek—Mee-a beer-a paraka-loh!
Hawaiian—‘Ekahi pia, ho’olu!
Hindi—Eka biyara, krupaya!
Hungarian—Edj pohar shurt kayrek!
Icelandic—Ay-dn byohr, tahk!
Interlingua—On bira, per favor!
Irish—Byohr awoyn, lyeh doh hull!
Italian—Una birra, per favore!
Japanese—Bee-ru ip-pon, ku-da-sai!
Korean—Mayk-joo hahn-jahn, joo-se-yoh!
Kurdish—Dan min yek bire!
Lakota (Sioux)—Wan-jee m’nee-pee-gah, ee-yo-kee-pee!
Latin—Cervisiam, sodes!
Lithuanian—Pra-shau vie-na, al-lows!
Norwegian—Ehn url, tahk!
Old English—An beor, nu!
Pig Latin—One-ay eer-bay, ease-play!
Polish—Yed-no peev, proshe!
Portuguese—Uma cerveja, por favor!
Romanian—Oh beh-reh ver rohg!
Scots Gaelic—Lyawn, mahs eh doh hawl eh!
Serbo/ Croatian—Yed-no pee-vo, mo-lim!
Slovene—Eno pee-vo, pro-seem!
Spanish—Una cerveza, por favor!
Swahili—Moja pombe, tafadhali!
Swedish—Ehn irl, tahk!
Twi—Mah-me bee-ye bah-ko, mee pow-che-oo!
Turkish—Beer beer-ah, luht-fen!
Welsh—Koo-roh ohs gwel-ookh-un-thah!
Yiddish—A beer, zeit a-zoy goot!
April 3rd, 2008
Gun rules
The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.
The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important
than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
1. As John Steinbeck once said: Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is
too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics will get you killed.
3. I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter
recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him; “Why
do you carry a .45?” The Ranger responded, “Because they don’t make a .46.”
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on
his wearing his sidearm. “Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you
expecting trouble?” “No Ma’am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have
brought my rifle.”
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!
9. The primary purpose of a side arm is to protect you until you can get to
a rifle or shotgun.
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I
did. She said “Well I certainly hope it isn’t loaded!” To which I said, of
course it is loaded, can’t work without bullets!” She then asked, “Are you
that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?” My reply was, “No not
at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire
extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.”
USMC Rules for Gunfighting
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
friends who have guns.
2. The double tap rule: Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice.
Ammo is cheap. Your life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you’re probably not moving fast enough
nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
dependent on “pucker factor” than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but he should have to
beat you to death with it because it is empty.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. Have a plan.
13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won’t work.
14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
16. Don’t drop your guard.
17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (”In God we trust. Everyone else, keep
your hands where I can see them.”)
19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
avoidance, deterrence, and deescalation.
24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not
start with a “.4″
April 1st, 2008
We’re all going to hell
March 24th, 2008
Genie
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.
If you do not mind me saying,’ stated the second, ‘that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?’
I regret I cannot’, lamented the first Arab. ‘It is permanently stuck in my ass.’
‘I do not understand,’ said the other.
The first Arab says, ‘I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, ‘I am Captain Canada , the Genie. I can grant you one wish.’
I said, ‘No shit?’
March 23rd, 2008
99 Words for Boobs
March 20th, 2008
How to install Windows Vista
March 19th, 2008
Big Dog Robot
March 18th, 2008
Cut the cheese
March 17th, 2008
Murphy’s St. Patrick’s Day Survival Guide
Hello friends. As St. Patrick’s Day approaches it has occurred to me that many of you might want to “get your blarney on” in celebration of all things Irish. That being said, I would be a terrible friend and an even worse Irishmen if I didn’t help you enjoy your St. Patrick’s Day to its fullest, so without further eloquence I present to you Murphy’s St. Patrick’s Day survival guide.
The following are all required for an enjoyable St. Patrick’s Day
At least 1 case of beer
This is the minimum amount required!!! This is if you have nothing to do
that night but drink at home by yourself. If you have nothing to do on St.
Patrick’s Day you must make new friends. If you have made plans you’re going
to need a lot of beer…I mean a lot of f—ing beer
Also, it is imperative that the aforementioned beer be Irish. Guinness,
Harp, Smithwicks (pronounced Smit’icks), Murphy’s Irish Stout, Killians Red
(owned by Coors) are all very popular Irish beers. However, to be completely
honest (and an Irishmen never lies…at least not when he’s sober, when we’re
drunk we lie well and often) any beer will do. We are not a particular
people when it comes to the juice of the barley.
At least 1 bottle of Whiskey (notice the spelling, Irish Whiskey is spelled
with an “ey” on the end as apposed to other inferior, heathen whisky)
Again you’re going to need a least 1 bottle. Preferably, Jameson Irish
Whiskey or Paddy Irish Whiskey. I must proclaim that we are not married to
those brands. Any whiskey will do (except Bushmills, that’s distilled in
Belfast and is therefore dirty protestant whiskey…not drinkable for man or
beast)
A good fist fight
My race of people has been known from time to time to get in the odd
squabble or fist fight (known amongst ourselves as “a Donnybrook”).
Honestly, the only thing we like more than fighting is drinking and that was
covered in the above segment. You will need the following supplies for a
good St. Patrick’s Day Donnybrook
–band aids
–ace bandages
–cotton balls
–a sewing kit
–lots of ice
–a dentist
–a bail bondsmen
However, there is no need for alarm. The Irish do enjoy a good fight, but
when it’s all over we feel extremely guilty about what we did and will
insist that we buy you a drink. We will pick you up, clean you off, get you
loaded and call you our brother. It is a possibility that we will cry. An
Irishmen never cries sober (and I mean NEVER) but, when he is loaded he is
permitted to sob like a baby and no one will hold it against him. What can I
say; we are a very passionate race.
Music
WE LOVE TO SING!!!!! And we all think we’re really good at it. A good
Irishmen will sing at the drop of a hat. We sing constantly, all the time…no
kidding. As a matter of fact the only 2 things we like more than singing are
drinking and fighting. Here are some popular Irish bands to listen to.
–U2 (you might have heard of them)
–Van Morrison
–The Coors
–The Thrills
–The Cranberries
–The Pogues
–The Dropkick Murphy’s
–Flogging Molly
–The Saw Doctors
Here are some bands that sing traditional Irish songs or “rebel songs” (if
it is at all possible you have to know the words to “Whiskey in the Jar” ,
“The Wild Rover” and “The Fields of Athnrye” it is also couldn’t hurt to
know “You’ll never walk alone”)
–the Wolfe Tones
–The Dubliners
Culture
The Irish are very proud of their cultural gifts to humanity. When we get
drunk we become very poetic and will quote Irish authors/poets to one
another. These Irish writers will get you acquainted with the heart and soul
of the Irish
–Oscar Wilde
–James Joyce
–Samuel Beckett
–Jonathan Swift
–W.B. Yeats
–George Bernard Shaw
–Roddy Doyle
–Frank and Malachy McCourt
–Leon Uris
Of course the essential reference book is Thomas Cahill’s “How the Irish
Saved Civilization.” In case you’re wondering how we did it, we did so by
channeling our infamous, nearly psychopathic rage into scholarship.
It’s not for nothing that our foremost institution of higher learning is
nicknamed “The Fighting Irish.” The Roman Empire conquered all the known
world, but when it came to Ireland they merely erected the Hadrian Wall.
Some of the earliest heavyweight champions of boxing Irish (think of John L.
Sullivan, Jack Dempsey, and James Braddock). But once we settle down, we
have gone into fields such as U.S. politics and monastic writing. Cahill
details how Irish scribes preserved the writings from the Classical world
while the aging Roman Empire was being overrun with barbarians.
Also, here are some good Irish movies to watch either before the night
starts, or when recovering the next Day
–The Boondock Saints
–The Quiet Man (considered to be the gold standard of Irish movies)
–My Left Foot
–In the Name of the Father
–The Commitments
–The Van
–The Snapper
–The General
–Waking Ned Devine
Plus, don’t forget to seek out some step dancing. Undoubtedly, “Riverdance”
will be on TV that Day
Food
The following are the ingredients to a 7-course Irish meal
–6 pack of Guinness
–1 Baked Potato
Irish food can be summed up in three words: Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes. We
are not known for our culinary efforts. Why do you think our beer is so
thick? We leave the cooking to all of the other races (especially Italians,
Mexicans, and the Chinese)
Corned Beef and Cabbage is great, but until St. Patrick Day becomes a national holiday, you may not have time cook it. So any kind kind of beef will do, but for the love of god you have to have spuds!!!
Other Required elements
–a green t-shirt
–a mop (for cleaning up vomit/blood)
–every curse word you know (the Irish curse at least once every sentence)
–a Catholic Church (it’s a holy day for Christ Sake!!!)
This should lead to a very enjoyable—and authentic—St. Patrick’s Day
Celebration. This is open source, if there is anything missing don’t be
afraid to add it to the list and pass it on to your friends. Remember,
everybody is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day….but only a few of us are lucky
enough to be Irish all the time.
**And don’t forget, today is St. Patrick’s Day Eve. The ideal day for a
happy hour.**
March 16th, 2008